 | Currently Watching
Once
By Glen Hansard, Markéta Irglová, Senan Haugh, Leslie Murphy (II), Danuse Ktrestova
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Driving a couple of towns over to Dean and Alli’s house the
first week home back in early July, I was the first one pulling up to a
stoplight. It caught my eye as it swayed in the evening breeze.
I stared deeply into that illuminated red
circle. It stared hatefully back, taunting me with an unwavering glare.
I didn’t budge.
this was war.
a staredown to the death.
I knew I’d win in the end, but that didn’t make it any less
intense in between time.
“You will not defeat me.”
I commanded, mustering every ounce of courage with all the intensity of
a kindled flame.
It was the longest stoplight of my life. but then, it turned
green and I drove onward.
It’s like a light switch.
One that you can’t turn off once it’s on.
Living in a foreign country for a year is something you
never get over.
No matter how long you’re home, it never leaves you.
Not many people can see it up front, but you know the switch
is still on.
You can feel it when you walk into an American mall.
You sense something is out of place when you order food in
English.
Sometimes the switch can be dimmed for a while, by comfort
and at worst, apathy.
but then…
You visit those familiar streets in your mind, those streets
you threw yourself out onto in reckless abandon.
The streets you lived on, that took you into who you became.
You speak the language to a dreamland character in your
subconscious without even recognizing the crossover.
It will never leave you. You will always see their faces and
remember their names. It’s a wonderful haunting memory that was once your whole
life. I will never stop remembering that other life. It will never stop facing
me. I will never be rid of the love scar it left on my heart.
Many can’t take it. They return to that land, sometimes for
the rest of their lives.
Sometimes I wonder if I missed that train.
But I can’t help but feeling, and nearly knowing, that there
is something else I must do.
There is a grand wild soul-engaging adventure waiting for
me, and for some reason I had to come back to be part of it.
For now, while I’m
hardly at a standstill all in all, my biggest ministry dreams have been put on
hold.
That horrible red light is glaring back at me, and my only
option is to wait for it to change.
But as cruel as that red light may seem, it was placed there
by Hands far more capable than mine, and motivated by a Heart of Love far
beyond the largest measurements.
Those hands formed the stoplight.
The stoplight is good.
I need it.
I need to be here. I need to have the kind of jobs I’ve
considered “normal/typical”.
I need to learn from the people around me, and be there for
them too.
I know I need it because I know that He has me here.
It’s still sometimes hard for me
to say “I got the job”, or “No, I’ll
be in town for a while”, and that’s okay. That’s how it should be.
But while I’m parked at this red light, the waiting has
become more than simply waiting. It has become an adventure all it’s own. One
that I can get excited about and see God’s hand working in.
It will not defeat me. there is more to come. My story has
not ended. but even more than the more, there is the beautiful ever
unpredictable
now.
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